Behavior Modification at Bargain Prices

18 May 2011 6 Comments

by K.L. Pinson in Brilliant-like, Random Junk Tags: advice, behavior modification, good ideas, honesty, opinion, squirt guns

How many times do you get asked for advice? How many times do you get asked for advice by the same person…about the same problem? How many times have you given the same advice, to the same person, about the same problem…yet they continue on, not even considering taking the advice you put before them, making the same mistakes….and then coming back for a replay of that same advice?

Well…have I got a solution for you!

This, of course does not apply to people who request your advice and then solve their problems. And it in no way means that everyone who asks for your advice should take your advice. Some people ask advice from a number of sources, and then use that information to decided how to solve their dilemma. No…this is a nifty tactic to sort out those who simply like to bitch and moan and beg for help yet refuse to make any move to solve their issues, as a means for garnering attention, from those who really want to and need to solve a problem.

I call my plan “Advice Escrow”. That has a nifty ring to it, don’t you think?

Here’s how it works:

Someone who often asks for your advice/opinion, but never actually does anything to solve the problems that they routinely moan about, comes to you and asks for your take on what they should do. You smile warmly, nodding your head to let them know that you feel for their situation, then you pull out your pad of “Advice Escrow” receipts. On that receipt it will say:

“$20.00 received from (insert name here) as deposit for advice on how to solve (insert nature of issue here). If (insert name here) resolves said problem and moves on, deposit will be returned to them in full. If (insert name here) does not resolve problem, (insert your name here) shall keep the $20.00 as payment for advice/therapy/guidance rendered.”

You both sign the receipt, and you collect your $20.00, give them the advice they were seeking and tell them to be certain to notify you once their problem is solved. They don’t have to actually use your advice…but they must solve their problem…and then they get their $20.00 back! Then you deposit their $20.00 in a bank account (ie…Advice Escrow Account) that garners interest and wait. Either you make a little jingle on the interest…or you end up with a nice holiday shopping fund (depending on how much advice you dispense over the year to people who just don’t want to solve their own problems). You’re doing a good thing…offering your advice, possibly helping those who really do want to solve a problem, and for those who simply thrive on drama and really just want attention…you are teaching them a $20.00 lesson and getting paid for your time.

Simple as that.

I figure that psychologists have been making a nice living dispensing advice and guidance at a hefty rate, that their patients often ignore, for years. And they never give refunds! So, the way I look at it…my advice dispensing service charge is both motivational and a bargain!

Brilliance…right?

And as long as we’re on the subject of behavior modification, how many of you have people in your lives who do nothing but spew negativity? Everything is always doom and gloom. Endless conversations of this terrible thing that happened to someone, rehashing of sad/bad/depressing events from the past and listing each and every horror story shown on the news.

Yep…I have a solution for that too.

Two words: Air Horn

For a minimal investment of anywhere from $5 to $25, you can alter that behavior with the push of a button.

Scenario of example 1: You and a group of friends are out having a great time. Everyone is laughing and chatting when the resident Voice of Doom pipes up. “Did you hear about Jane Doe (name changed to protect the fictional innocent person that none of you know)? She was hiking in the mountains and she tripped and broke her leg in four places, and then her house caught on fire and her husband left her!”

*Insert air horn blast HERE*

This changes the negative path that the atmosphere would certainly take, gives a laugh to everyone and provides a negative association for the gloom and doom offender.

Scenario of example 2:  You are with a friend/acquaintance/family member who loves to stir the drama pot with half-truths and unexplained accusations and unconfirmed gossip.

*blast that air horn*

Everything stops…and discussion of the employment of the handy air horn commences. Bad karma is bloooown away.

Lies are another problem that can be addressed with a Dollar Tree item. Buy yourself a squirt gun. You know who the people in your life are who lie. Telling lies is A) rude, B) childish and C) inviting bad karma. Simply keep that squirt gun loaded and handy.

When the liar unleashes an untruth….SQUIRT!

I’m guessing the ones with functional brains will retrain themselves to perhaps avoid the BS in your presence. Or move on to some other circle of people to entertain with their tales, which is no huge loss…because having a liar in your midst is never a good thing.

If you manage these techniques in just the right order, you can take the $20.00 Advice Escrow forfeited by a perpetual boo-hooer and use it to purchase both the air horn and squirt gun.

Again…brilliance, and financially thrifty!

Yes, my coffee and leftover brownie breakfast was very inspiring this morning